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PRACTICAL ‘HOW TO’ TIPS TO KEEP PASSION ALIVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

I feel like we are just flatmates now. I hear that phrase regularly from clients. Doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight, long term or medium term partners. What they mean is that they don’t have much physical intimacy any more, they are ‘bed dead’. And, sadly, many people feel embarrassed or shameful when talking about sex, and find it hard to discuss. This is tragic really because physical intimacy is restorative, fun and connecting. And it is deeply human. Hearts to parts My thoughts are that physical intimacy is supported by having an emotionally safe intimate space in our relationship first. I use a phrase ‘hearts to parts’.

But what does the research say?

John and Julie Gottman are renown relationship experts. Their research shows that a satisfying sex life is supported by doing the following:

  • They say “I love you” every day and mean it

  • They kiss one another passionately for no reason

  • They give surprise romantic gifts x

  • They know what turns their partners on and off erotically

  • They are physically affectionate, even in public

  • They keep playing and having fun together

  • They cuddle

  • They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list

  • They stay good friends 

  • They can talk comfortably about their sex life

  • They have weekly dates

  • They take romantic vacations

  • They are mindful about turning towards each other – they ‘lean in’

On the other hand, the Sloan Centre (UCLA) found that couples who have an unfulfilling sex life do the following:

  • Spend very little time together during a typical week

  • Become job-centred and child-centred

  • Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists

  • Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship

  • Drift apart and lead parallel lives

  • Are unintentional about turning toward one another

Do you need help? Long term relationships are really satisfying and also really tough. Romantic partnerships will also bring up our childhood emotional pain.

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