December 15, 2019

Written by Margo Field

Long term relationships and their pitfalls and what to do instead.

 

Are you playing ‘pin the problem on them’ ?

Sometimes when relationships go stale we point fingers at each other. “I’m in a relationship with this person, and I’m not happy anymore. So it must be my partner’s fault.”

Nobody wants to be the victim, and nobody wants to be the cause of a wonderful relationship that is now feeling disconnected.

So what’s going on here and how can we turn this around????

Both people in the relationship often desperately try to rekindle the flame that was once there.  In problem solving though, they can unfortunately get defensive.  They blame their partner and create more distance and discontent.  This is born from frustration.

While love is necessary to establish your relationship, it is not enough to sustain it. In fact, thinking or believing this is a recipe for relationship disaster and for love to fade out.

Lasting, happy relationships need really good relationship skills.

Even if your love is strong, and you’ve found “the one,” life presents many challenges – from the mundane like day-to-day chores to the difficulties, such as illness or financial or other stresses.

Most relationships don’t end because of one big event.  It’s small infractions that build up over time.  The connection loosens and arguments increase in frequency or the distance between you both becomes greater.

What can you do?   Learn about relationships for a start.  Did you know that all relationships have a maximiser (a person who brings up the issues and makes the most ‘noise’) and a minimiser (the other one – they minimise difficulties and often don’t want to talk about them)??? Doesn’t matter if you re partner – you’ll still partner up with the opposite of you.

Top Tips

  • Learn how to discuss sensitive issues effectively and respectfully ;
  • If you are a minimiser, make time to listen to the maximiser – really listen – and repeat back to them what you understand.  Make an effort to share your thoughts.
  • Make time to have fun together – stuff that sparks joy.
  • Catch your partner doing something right and thank them.  Minimisers often feel they can’t do anything right and stop trying.
  • Have ‘business meetings’ about finances, arrangements, calendar events and make them separate to spending time together.
  • Get help – couples can often do well with a quarterly check in with a relationships coach to stay on track.

Margo is an Unsticker – she unsticks individuals, couples and teams. “Life can be tricky so I provide fresh perspectives, resources and accountability for people – this makes positive change much easier.“

She offers appointments at In Symmetry in Romsey and Macedon and has 10 minute free check in phone appointments so you can see if she is right for you.

You can have a 10 minute free chat with Margo – go to this link to book a time – calendly.com/margofield

Margo works from In Symmetry in Romsey on Friday’s and Wednesday’s.  Please call the clinic on (03) 5429 3610 or click on the link below to book online.

 

 

 

And In Sym website…..

 

 

 

Open ended question

  • How did you…
  • In what ways…
  • Tell me about…
  • What’s it like…

Do you feel happy with our relationship right now?” How does someone begin to answer this question when it might seem so reductive? Let’s reword this question to be more open-ended and see how it evokes conversation: “In what ways do you feel happy with our relationship?” This open-ended example provides a much more constructive setting to better know what is going well in the relationship.

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